After finding another religious tract on a park bench where I was dining, I decided it was time to do another rant on the Unholy Word of God. This time we'll look at Noah, the guy with all the cute little animals.
Chapter nine of the bible's first book describes the events of one of that book's (supposedly) most righteous humans. This man called Noah was such an honorable man that God saw fit to save him and his family from his holy extermination. Some time after that, when the earth was replenished and the smell of billions of bloated carcasses had subsided, Noah gets drunk and, as a lot of people tend to do in that state, passes out naked. His son Canaan comes into his father's tent and sees him and then runs outside to tell his brothers, "Haha, dad's in there shit-faced and naked!"
A couple of Canaan's brothers walk into the tent backwards so they can't see Noah's nakedness, and cover him up with a sheet out of respect. At this point, like most bible stories, you should just quit reading if you want to get a good moral message out of it. Unfortunately, like most bible stories, it gets insanely worse.
Like a Good Father Should
When Noah wakes up from his drunken stupor, he finds himself lying there naked under a sheet and thinks, "Hmm...those kids must have come in here and covered me. That means they saw my hoo-hoo!"
Noah goes outside and gathers his sons, and finds out that Canaan saw him naked but the other two who covered him up did not. Because he was such an honorable and righteous man of God, he does the only rational and noble thing a good father could in that situation: he curses his son Canaan and declares that Canaan and all of his descendants will be slaves to his brothers and all of their descendants. And Noah, being so upright in the eyes of the Lord, lived to be 950 years old.
Christians, I'm not making this shit up! It's in your holy book. Read Genesis 9 and tell me if you think Noah did the right thing. Fucking sick book.
More to come soon. And stop leaving your religious tracts in places where I'm trying to eat!