Thursday, September 20, 2007

Unholy Word: No Laughing Matter

Many Christians believe that the bible is the true "Holy Word of God", 100% inspired (if not written directly) by the Almighty Himself. With this new series, we'll take a look at some of the stories in this profane book and see just how "holy" it is.

Warning: Some may find this and other fairy tales in the Christian Bible to be extremely disturbing. Reader discretion is advised.

Can't Take A Joke?
The first bible story we'll look at is one of the sickest things one can read. If you'd like to follow along, open your bible to chapter two of the second book of Kings. Here we find Elisha, successor of the supposed prophet Elijah (who had just ascended into heaven). Elisha is going up the road into town when a group of youths gather around and start to make fun of him, particularly his lack of head-hair. (The phrase they used is reported to be "Go up, thou bald head, go up".)

Keep in mind this is a book supposedly written by God to tell us ignorant humans how to be good and get tickets to Jesus Land.

So how does the pious Elisha handle this mocking? 2 Kings 2:24 says, "
And he turned back, and looked on them, and cursed them in the name of the LORD. And there came forth two she bears out of the wood, and tare forty and two children of them."

I'll let that sink in a bit...

This wise "man of God" can't take being made fun of -- BY CHILDREN -- and asks the Lord to do something about it. As if that's not bad enough, the all-loving Creator responds by sending two bears to rip the kids apart!

This is one of the most obscene and objectionable stories in the bible. Any moral and wise adult would realize that children can sometimes be asses; why can't an all-knowing, all-loving, God understand that?

Of course, some bible versions try to soften the blow by referring to the group of kids as a "gang", but come on, he wasn't dealing with the Yakuza or the Hell's Angels. And even if he was, does it merit them being ripped to shreds by a couple of Kodiaks?

Good Moral Values
Think about how the parents of these forty-two kids would have taken the news. "Well, I guess it was just God's Holy Will. Little Billy always was a trouble-maker; I told him he'd get it one of these days!" They'd have one hell of a time trying to pick out the bloody pieces of their child from the rest. Have you ever seen a mauling?

What does this passage say about an omniscient, omnibenevolent God? What does it say about morality, or dealing with bullies? What does this say about a perfect, timeless book given by an ultimate moral law-giver? Maybe I should get in good with the Lord so I can use this trick the next time those damn Girl Scouts want $38 for cookies.

I personally think it's just another insane story told by delusional men in the desert over two thousand years ago -- back when people were even more stupid than they are today -- just to scare blasphemers or tempt readers with the awesome power of God. Wouldn't wanna make a man'o'God angry if you heard that they could call forth wild beasts at will, would you?

That's enough for now; my stomach is turning just thinking about the horrible stories that are in this book (that parents give to their children!!!). Believe it or not it gets worse. We'll look at some more immoral and objectionable passages in the next installment of the "Unholy Word".


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